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Memo Regarding New State Teacher Qualifications

“The Florida Legislature passed a bill granting approval for former and present members of the military to teach in classrooms… Candidates must have a minimum of 60 college credits, a 2.5 grade-point average, and a passing score on a Florida subject area examination for bachelor’s level subjects.” – Newsweek

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Dear Colleagues,

This communication is to inform you of recent changes to state teaching qualifications. We hope you understand the immense pressure we are under to place warm, preferably conscious and lucid bodies in classrooms of 72 students (with 32 desks) in the next two weeks.

Due to recent societal upheavals, as well as a general lack of respect and belief in education, compassion, or humanity, we will be offering thirty-five-year renewable teaching certifications to the following:

  • Military veterans and their spouses, regardless of higher education status.
  • Any member of Christian clergy without specific abuse allegations or upcoming civil suits
  • Current or former dog walkers who have not lost more than five canines in three years
  • Baristas with experience serving entitled customers
  • High school students who believe they know more than their parents and have more than 1,000 TikTok followers
  • Family members of politicians without photographic proof of “accidental” cultural appropriation
  • Anyone with a conceal-and-carry license, regardless of expiration date or past indications

The above changes are not meant to create community discussion surrounding pay increases for those current teachers with myriad Masters’ degrees whose lives have been spent working toward the safety and security of all students.

Other duties as assigned will still include:

  • Proper hygiene pointers
  • After-hours reading interventions
  • Parental mental health assessments (on the DL)
  • In-class snack distribution for children who cannot afford meals, are allergic to tree nuts, wheat, or dairy, or who simply do not enjoy the free cafeteria meals
  • Embarrassing or stomach-churning restroom support
  • Hair-brushing/ styling/ emergency gum retraction
  • Eradicating all lesson plans about racism, sexism, sizeism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, and any other “society ills”
  • Guidance on social interactions, physical relations, or contraceptive methods (we plan to ban guidance on these topics soon, so don’t really sweat them)

Due to politics and pandemic fatigue, there will never be overtime for weekends spent grading or planning for the sole sake of supporting student progress (in this vein, and with regard to equity, retirees’ monthly checks will be cut by twelve percent).

There won’t be any pay increases to cover both housing and food price inflation, nor monetary help to pay for graduate courses that are mandatory in order to continue being paid the same wage as a 17th-century scullery maid.

We cannot justify bonuses to cover the cost of living increases for teachers, as we must also cover medieval salaries for bus drivers, crossing guards, custodians, and school nurses (see new qualifications for nurses—including watching three or more seasons of Grey’s Anatomy).

We have added ten extra summer work days for vague professional development on new covid-19-variant protocols, what to do without sanitary wipes or windows that open in your classroom, an Introduction to Social Network Supplies Pleadingand a required session on Bridging the Thousand Vacancies in Ten Easy Steps Without Whining about Work-Life Balance. Of course, these courses will be available in late February on the new and incomprehensible online platform.

We appreciate your unwavering commitment to the people in charge who have never set foot in a public classroom, and we wish you the very best for the 2022-2023 school year.

Patronizingly yours,
The Board of Education, spouses, step-children, exes, and dogs of larger breeds

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